Why We Often Hear Wrong – Even When Everything Was Said Right
A simple idea that reshapes how we listen, speak, and connect.
A colleague I hadn't seen or spoken to in a long time asked how I was doing. We had arranged to meet to discuss an important topic.
I started with small talk and told him about our weekends in the countryside: peace, seclusion, many small lakes, forests, long walks, no people—the perfect idyll.
He shook his head. "I don't understand why anyone would go there. I could never do that."
I smiled awkwardly. "We like it," I said. Quietly.
He responded: "I've heard that from others, but I don't understand it. How can you go to a place like that where there's nothing?"
"Do you know the area?" I asked.
"No, I would never go there in my life. I don't like it."
That was it.
Internally, I noticed a change.
My good mood was gone. The actual conversation still lay ahead of us.
I no longer felt like talking.
Personal taste is identity. That's who I am. I like this peace and nature.
His rejection of my weekend idyll felt like a judgment.
Not rude. Just... dismissive. Well, maybe both.
When someone rejects what we value, we feel rejected ourselves.
There's the factual level — he doesn't like forests and small lakes.
And there's the relationship level, where his repeated "I don't understand it. I don't like it" becomes "I don't understand YOU. I don't like YOU."
What's happening here? How does listening work?
The Four-Ear Model: How We Listen
German psychologist Friedemann Schulz von Thun discovered this in the 1980s while studying why communication often goes wrong. He called it the "Four-Ear Model" — the idea that every message is heard and understood on four channels, and we can listen and respond on four different channels.
Imagine a colleague saying to you: "The report isn't finished yet."
Simple. It's just a factual statement about work progress.
But depending on which "ear" you're listening with, you might hear four completely different messages:
Ear #1 - The Facts: The report needs more time.
Ear #2 - Self-disclosure: I'm overwhelmed and struggling.
Ear #3 - The Relationship: You're putting too much pressure on me.
Ear #4 - The Appeal: Could you please grant me an extension?
Depending on which ear you hear the message with and respond to it, four different conversations result. And your counterpart also hears your response on other channels.
Let's look deeper.
The Four Channels
1. Factual Content
What is being said
This is the content level — pure data, facts, information. "The meeting starts at 3 PM." "Traffic is heavy." "The coffee is cold."
Sometimes, we focus strongly on this level. Facts. Clarity. Precision.
But here's the problem: The other person might be hearing other levels more strongly.
2. Self-Disclosure
What the speaker reveals about themselves
Every statement is also a window into the speaker's inner world. Their feelings, needs, fears, and hopes seep through their words.
"I'm running late" could mean: "I'm stressed and overwhelmed."
"That was an interesting presentation" could mean: "I'm confused but don't want to seem stupid or hurt your feelings."
We also broadcast our emotional state, whether we want to or not.
3. Relationship
What this says about the connection between us
This is where most interpersonal drama plays out. Every message contains information about how the speaker sees the relationship.
"Could you handle this?" could mean:
I trust your judgment (respectful)
This is beneath me (dismissive)
I'm too busy for such tasks (hierarchical)
They have the exact words but completely different relationship messages.
4. Appeal
What the speaker wants you to do
This is the hidden agenda — what response they're hoping for. Sometimes, it's obvious ("Please pass the salt"), but usually, it's disguised.
"I haven't eaten all day" isn't information about hunger. It's an appeal: Feed me. Care about me. Ask if I'm okay.
Why This Matters
Most communication problems arise because the speaker is transmitting on one channel while the listener is tuned to another.
Your boss says: "This project is really important to the company" (Factual content).
But you hear: "Don't mess this up" (Appeal) or "I don't trust you to prioritize correctly" (Relationship).
Suddenly, a simple status update becomes an emotional trigger.
We all transmit on four channels. We all choose what we hear. We don't react to what was said but to what we understood.
An Example
Imagine someone from your team saying: "That was a long day."
Factual content: Today was time-challenging.
Self-disclosure: I'm tired and exhausted.
Relationship: We all worked hard. You understand me.
Appeal: Acknowledge my effort. Let's finish earlier.
Which message you hear depends on your culture, your relationship with the person, and your emotional state.
The Relationship Level as Interference
This is where most magic happens — and most chaos. A slightly wrong tone, a tiny hint of hierarchy or dismissal, and we only hear that.
"You did that quite quickly" can be a compliment (Factual content: "Good work") or criticism (Relationship: "Too quick = superficial").
Which message arrives often depends more on the receiver than the sender.
Listening with Intention: Your Practical Toolkit
The Four-Ear Model isn't about analyzing every conversation. It's about awareness. It's recognizing that human communication is complex — and that this awareness alone can transform how we connect.
Listener Check: Which ear am I using right now?
When someone's words trigger you, ask yourself: Which ear am I listening with right now?
☐ Factual level: What are the pure facts? What was said?
☐ Self-disclosure: What does this tell me about the other person's emotional state?
☐ Relationship: How do they perceive our connection at this moment? Do I feel respected/attacked?
☐ Appeal: What do they want me to do or feel?
Sender Check: Which channel am I transmitting on?
When your message isn't landing, consider:
☐ Is my factual message clear?
☐ What am I unintentionally revealing about myself?
☐ What relationship message am I sending along?
☐ What do I expect from my counterpart?
The Art of Conscious Listening
Most misunderstandings dissolve when we recognize that we often don't hear what is said but rather what we expect to hear.
Back to my example. It was the beginning of the conversation—small talk. I wanted to create a good atmosphere and was looking for common ground. Who would assume that someone doesn't like lakes and forests?
How did it continue?
I asked: "And where do you like it?"
He said: "By the sea. With sandy beaches."
Me: "That's nice too."
We smiled.
Rhetorical Refresher:
Next time someone says “The report isn’t ready” –
don’t just listen with your ears.
Listen with curiosity. With context. With care.
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